Super Hero with Flower Power

With imminent wisdom accompanying my grey hair line, in all earnest and sincerity, all I wish for with closed eyes and an open heart is 'to love and to be loved'. Somehow, along the way, I slip away from the simplicity of this wishful statement and get unbeknowingly entangled in the complexity of its execution.

The power of a flower is so profound. When you are hurt, it can heal. When you are low, it can lift. When you feel lost, it can show you love. So, when a flower was being hand-picked and hand-delivered to me almost every day, it was love sitting right there on my kitchen bench top looking pretty and promising. That is when the clutter in the mind dispersed slightly and I was surprised at how simple it can actually be to express this feeling.

"Where do you get these lovely flowers, sweet heart?", I asked him, curious. "Oh, from the bushes", he shrugged and said. When he means bushes, he means somebody’s(or our own) bushy front yard on the path he takes to walk to school that is probably strewn with spring flowers. With so much innocence in his soul, he simply picks one for his mummy, every day, not knowing he is picking love and he is showing me how to love. 

Being loved makes you want to love. Loving makes you want to live. Wanting to live makes you happy. This is quite viciously unattainable to an immensely satisfactory degree on a daily basis. It feels like writing something on the murky beach sand that the waves relentlessly whisk away into the seas belly.

When he strokes my hair with his fingers, I am reminded to let go now

When he plants random kisses, I am reminded to smile more now

When he lies on my lap, I am reminded to calm down now

When he circles me with his arms, I am reminded to revive myself now

When he hides my stuff, I am reminded to lighten up now

When he just lives and grows around me, I am reminded to be grateful now

My deepest gratitude to my flower power super hero who reminds me to love, every day.





Update - 23/11/2016

One day my little man apparently offered a flower to the lovely lollipop lady at the school crossing. 

In return he was showered with more flowers. Surely, love beget more love.

Parallel Palace

That space in your head,

Where you parade yourself in places lush with imagination

Manifested by many unfulfilled musings

Some buried so deep, like the strong roots of a mighty old tree

Some bubbling like hot lava, each bubble hissing to be heard

Some that have untraceable psychological history, that is just as old as you

Some hopelessly and mostly unattainable, just like the thought of sleeping on a fluffy cloud

Some entangled, like a ferociously growing creeper, twisted and sturdy

Mostly, all of which are better inside than out

Better tamed inside, never let loose on the outside

Better understood inside, never judged on the outside

Better expressed inside, never explained on the outside

Better felt on the inside, never forced on the outside

Better respected on the inside, never reacted on the outside

That space in your head,

Where you build a life on the inside that runs in parallel to the one on the outside

Where you cherry pick people, in and out of the imaginative fragments  

Where you maneuverer events to match the drama of an aurora sky

Where you celebrate sensitivity amidst sincere stupidity but minus the social sympathy

Where you shield secrets that are unpretentiously sacred simply because they are unshared,unheard

This ghost ship space in the head,

Is where, what was never mine in reality's retrospect, what is not mine in reality’s present, what would  never be mine in realistic future is hauntingly but unmistakeably, unselfishly, warmly and fuzzily mine

This mystic space in the head,

Is where calm is, love is, lust is, regret is, respect is, kindness is, forgiveness is, fear is, strength is, courage is, happiness is…where soul is.

Betsy Bitsy Jar 2016

Another new year rolls by. However, there is a slight difference in how I am beginning to feel year after year. Hope this slight difference will bring massive change.

This slight shift in feeling is called panic. Haha, yup. A year wiser implies a year older. A year older implies a year closer. Closer to what? To the grave, of course! Haha.

So, ignited by implications I came up with an improvisation of this evergreen idea of a memory jar. How does this idea work (for me)?

Every month, starting from January I intend to do at least one thing (could be anything) that is new or that I have not done before and that makes me happy. Like really happy.

Finally, after more than three decades, I have harrowingly come to realise that its ok if all that matters is matters of me, matters in me, matters to me, matters by me.

This ‘me matters’ is actually tough (especially if you have never known how to do it). It’s responsibility towards self. It’s not selfish. It’s ‘soul’fish. Given that it’s me, it can well be ‘sole’fish too, haha.

January 2016

Where: Hammer Hall, Melbourne Arts Centre

What: Deadly 60 Live brought to us by the man himself – Steve Backshall

When: Jan 16^th

With: DS

Why: I confirm and confess I have a crush on this wildlife presenter, adventurer, naturalist and author. Thanks to my DS, I got hooked on to his show broadcast on BBC Earth. The places he travels to, the things he does, the animals he encounters, the love for nature’s wild side that he portrays is rudimentarily attractive. He apparently met everyone that came to one of his three shows in Melbourne. Surely that show was not the one we were in. Sob. Sob. Anyway, we continue watching his show. Latest one being ‘Deadly Pole to Pole’. DS pleaded to buy his books that were on sale that day. So contrary to pleading for junk food that I was absolutely delighted to oblige. Happy ending. But I am yet to grow fond of the author Steve. His writing style is very wordy. Surely not for a 6 year old.

February 2016

Where: Royal Melbourne Zoo

What: Sunset Series 3.6k Race

When: Feb 2^nd

With: DS
Why: Other than reading the thing I feel so delightful in doing is running. I have to and always will be thankful to my grandparents and dad for getting me on this path. There is so much to learn from running. About your mind, about your body and about your surroundings. If you allow, this sport can push you to your limits and beyond. It can be exhilarating. It gives you that sense of satisfaction and success in a sense that is so personal to you. So meaningful to you. So dear to you. It reminds me of my most cherished childhood memories that keeps reassuring me that the beauty in life is most certainly in all the simple things. With this staunch belief iand this burning desire to introduce this sport in the most subtle way I could to my son, I registered for this event. Zoo is ever enticing to a child. So running in the zoo sounds fun. For the animals, I mean. For a short while we humans running around were probably the animals version of Animal Planet or Nat Geo Wild. Haha. Nevertheless, the run was fun. My little man enjoyed it. He has pocketed his PB in his very first race. It was worth my efforts. Happy ending. Well, I hope and pray this is a happy beginning for him and his prospective running journey. Run. Sweat. Smile. Repeat. Just like that, Just Do It!

Where: Home and not so far away from home

What: Park and Movie

When: Feb 20^th 

With: DS

Why: Somehow being social is getting quite complicated in my opinion. Well, for this loneliness loving loner, being social is all the more overwhelming. So, moments of peaceful and relaxing time is something to mindfully plan and execute. Which is what I did. We drove to a nearby reserve area where we had never been before. Listened to the river flowing through a tunnel. Watched the afternoon sunshine shimmer on the flowing river. Plunged rocks into the water and captured some interesting slow motion videos. Listened to non-humans (thanks to the absence of humans). Natural venue. Nature’s music. Nature for company. My definition of a party. The party continued through the night in the safety haven of home. Nothing extravagant. A kids movie on telly. A happy kid. Some take away food. Cosy cuddles and dreamless sleep. Thus, this memory goes straight into the memory jar! Simply spread simplicity.

March 2016

Where: Indoor Pool

What: Swimming

When: March 5^th 

With: Myself

Why: Every time I see people swimming, I feel stranded. Living in Down Under and not knowing swimming just feels odd. So out of place. I am hydrophobic to some degree but time is ticking remember? It is time to drown my fears and drop my inhibitions and learn to swim, finally. My first lesson was this month. A long road to learning, but I have taken the plunge. Breathing is so involuntary, that it is almost always ignored until the minute your head is under water! I hope I do better than reducing the water level in the pool😃

Where: CBD

What: Blood Donation and Organ Donation Registration

When: March 24th 

With: Myself

Why: To say that I have donated for the first time is quite shocking. Nevertheless proud to be a few millilitres lighter (for a day). When the recipients of my father in law’s organs sent us letters professing their gratitude for giving them life, the magnanimity of this simple act was only then understood. Yes, we can value the power of our incredible bodies with such incredible deeds. If I can, you can too! If you want to lend a hand, start with lending an arm!

April 2016

Where: RJ Hamer Forest Arboretum

What: Hiking/Bush Walking

When: April 9^th  

With: A bunch of lovely strangers

Why: That yearning, that longing I feel all the time which is almost always bubbling on the surface ready to explode, finally found a getaway albeit for a short time. I cannot remember the last time a smile lingered on my face spreading from ear to ear for so long and so unhesitatingly. I flaunted my desperation to hike by randomly choosing a walking club off the Internet and zeroing in on this particular hike. I will hence forth encourage myself to be so desperately random, desperately daring to do what I sincerely desire. Time is ticking, remember? I met a bunch of ladies who hike full time. Dear me, here I am, having a full time desk job with only a rotating chair to keep me excited. I felt envious of these lovely ladies but also inspired. The oldest lady hiking that day was 82! I have some serious hope for retirement age. Being in the woods felt like being in my skin. I always assumed this was how I would feel amidst nature. I am glad this hike proved it to me. It did take some effort to ward off the guilty feeling of leaving my boys back home. But I know I have never had it all in my life and neither will I. If I need something I have to let go of something else. The only issue now is I want to do it so much more often. Oh dear! The longing is only rejuvenated…..

When: 21^st May 2016

Where: Home

What: Girls Night

Who: Group of Girl Friends

This took like for ever to happen. So, when it happened it was worth entering my Betsy Bitsy Jar for this year. I am glad all the girls turned up despite their home commitments. Nibbles, drinks, dinner and lots of talking. This was what the night was all about. Personally, at the end of the night it made me realise what a long way I have come ever since I set foot in this country. How much I have learnt, how much I have grown, though nobody would ever know the true measure except myself. As a token of this nice night, I had handmade book marks for each of the ladies for them to take home in which I wrote a small poem (about the good things I see in them) for each of them. We always feel chuffed hearing good things about ourselves, isn't it? I have always felt that we hardly are appreciative of each other and I wanted to make an effort to make them smile. 

When: June 2016

What: Reading

Who: Thyself

I never imagined learning more than one language during school days would be so precious years later. I am so grateful that I can read and write in my native language. When you are so far away from all the things familiar to you in your growing up days and the world you currently live in is nowhere close, your best bet to be transported back in time and place, is the language. It becomes the chord that connects you to past familiarity. But it took me so many years to pick up a Kannada book to read. So, this was the precise opportunity to double the joy. Read….in my native language. Kannada being one among the oldest languages in the world, with a sense of pride I took to reading a collection of short stories written in Kannada. I was on a slow pace to start with but I surely slipped into a rhythm that soon saw me finish the book. Next thing is to add more Kannada books to my mini library.

When: July 2016
What: Running
Who: DS and Myself
My soul feeds on my pacing legs, it seems. Somehow, magically, running soothes through sweat. With no training beforehand but with just the excitement of running, I registered DS and myself for RM2016, the difference being that this was a back to back race for me. More the merrier. A weekend of running and weekdays of soreness. What is pleasure without pain?

Cheryl Strayed Quotes

Here are some words this amazing lady has written in her books. To me, these words felt like warm worms that just crawled in and fed on some burning thoughts in my mind and spit out a smile through me:

“I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

“You will learn a lot about yourself if you stretch in the direction of goodness, of bigness, of kindness, of forgiveness, of emotional bravery. Be a warrior for love.”

“Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.”

“The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it.”

“Forgiveness doesn't sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up a hill.”

"We like to pretend that our generous impulses come naturally. But the reality is we often become our kindest, most ethical selves only by seeing what it feels like to be a selfish jackass first."

~ Book: Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.” (This is not by CherylS though.Listed it in here because it aptly describes me)

“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.”

“Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren't a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.”

“I'd finally come to understand what it had been: a yearning for a way out, when actually what I had wanted to find was a way in.” 

~ Book: Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail 

Crossroads

The pain and pleasures of decision making.

Have you felt it?

You weigh the pros and cons,

You debate, you discuss

You fight, you fear

You cry, you care

You doubt, you dare

You feel sore, you feel strong

You ponder, you wonder

What does it lead to?

A small shift in the big scheme of things. Some clarity amidst all the confusion. A subtle sense of success sprinkled with ifs and buts. A rheumatic rage of remorse remedied with hope and faith.

Every decision big or small, easy or hard, clear or chaotic - let it knock on the walls of your inner core, stir you up a bit and if it still brings out the smile in you, sweet pea, this decision making process has poured into you some grace, some sense, some wisdom, some solace and some belief.

Decision after decision, let life roll.

To read is a need

I am not sure where my love for reading exactly originates from. Somewhere in the midst of childhood, I suppose. I am just glad to call books my friends even to this day. In this age of technological advancement I am super proud to still cherish this favourite habit of mine – reading books the original way. Oh! There is something about holding a book and physically turning the pages, placing a petal bookmark, carrying it in your bag, holding it close to your chest while walking on the road, putting it on your desk and finally resting it in your bookshelf. Talk to me about the joys that simple things bring in life!

When I started earning I promised myself that the first thing I would buy every time my salary gets credited, is a book. I even did this for some time. This does not imply that I have read umpteen number of books. Ask any avid reader and you will find their thirst for books is constantly insatiable. I completely and hopelessly believe in ‘signs’ in everyday life events and the current house I am living in came with an in built book shelf in one of the rooms. Seriously, I had even put this ardent wish in the far corner of my mind and heart and had almost forgotten about it. Needless to say, I am protective of this area in my house just like any animal is of its territory. I am so thankful to the experiences that motherhood offers. One of them, in this context being, reading to my son. I never was read to nor can I remember reading books when I was at my son’s current age. So, I seem to be making up for this every time I pick books for him and read them to him. There is such a mammoth magnitude of children’s books that sometimes I feel my son needs two or more childhoods in parallel to read them all. I recently read a book to him by Stan and Jan Berenstain called “The Bike Lesson”. Both of us were in tears laughing at the very thing the book was spot on about – humour, humour that entices children. This is what I call mummy moments hidden in daily monotonous madness. He now wants me to read it to all his friends that come home. The other collection of children’s book I have enjoyed is Dr.Suess’ books. His books are not just for children but also for the child in every adult. I must confess there was a point when I was angry with Dr.Suess because my favourite little human made me read “The Lorax” - every word, every page, every night for a bit over a month!

You know the feeling I love to feel? In my eagerness to finish the book I have to invariably cope with the sadness that I will reach ‘The End’ which means that I have to get back to dealing with real people in real life! Who said life is fair?

To help you embrace reading, here is a quote:

If you never did, you should.

These things are fun.

And fun is good.

~Dr.Suess

 

1000 Steps

What happens when I am given a long weekend, with bright sunny weather and no prior commitments made? I feel the urge to do fun things because my feelings (read worry) that I am losing time and precious age seems to get stronger with every grey hair I spot on my head! I cannot quite work out how to not feel guilty on any given day. It comes so naturally to me, it stuns me! So I wouldn’t plan any activity just for myself. I will ridiculously plan things to suit my family, my friends, their pets, their neighbours  and anybody else I can think of. Hence comes the plan to check out the Dandenong Ranges National Park and climb the famous 1000 steps. Nice warm weather is a tick from the oldies. Picnic playground areas and other friends to play along with, is a tick from the kids. Picnic organising, planning, packing and delicious picnic food all catered for by the super moms is a tick from the dads. A good day out for parents, partner, progeny and pets is a tick for me. So, the only other tick I needed was to do something that interests me. Not so important for the others involved of course, but I get the sense that my mid life crisis ( yes, I keep telling myself I should turn into a ghost by age 65. Super moms possess super powers after all J) has ‘hormone’nised me to this enigmatic soul searching sphere where I cannot escape such rhetorical questions which unfortunately only I have to answer! 

 

So my master plan included this physical task of climbing the steps (which interests me not because I own a fitbit and if you see me you will agree I am not fit even a bit J)in the midst of tall tress and screaming cockatoos (this also interests me because I was keen to find out if screaming birds could out beat screaming kids and (silently)swearing parents). Also who said master plans needs details? That I knew nothing about the exact destination address for the GPS (technology can help you only so much),how long to reach the top, how come precisely only 1000 steps, how steep the steps are, how wide are the steps for the 4 kids to race each other, how magnificent the views are from the top, how many water taps on the climb, how many rubbish bins (any Indian will tell you how crucial bins are in their lives) in the park? Phew! Anyway, this master plan was a short drive (At least for us. Master plans can be clever sometimes) from home. Short drives are good drives. Ask any parent with experience of ‘belt’ing up more than one kid in a car and not feeding them junk, not surrendering to technology nanny and keeping them from fighting (If you think you can achieve all three in one drive, please realise and remember for next time that this does not fit into the concept of dreaming big). It might feel hilarious now when you look back, but trust me with each person sitting in the car spotting a free parking lot for the driver can indeed leave you holidaying just in the car park. There are certain simple things that many of us take for granted. Like parking the car, getting off and heading to the picnic spot. It is so simple (right?) that it is an involuntary action unless you have to let out so many people from the car you begin to wonder why your car doesn’t look like a bus, and all of them in one piece along with their beloved belongings and some excruciating decisions on what to leave behind in the car and what to carry and who will carry what. Poor super moms have only a couple of hands (that don’t shoot out sticky web whenever they wish). Families big or small, trips short or long, days hot or cold one should never ever forget the mantra, ‘Expect the Unexpected’ (when you are encouraged to ‘push’ your baby out during child birth and you push some other things out, this mantra is ingrained then and there. The very minute you become ‘super’ and a ‘mom’). The concept of distance mattered on this day because it only took around 15m of walking before the whole gang just took a U-turn back to the picnic area, of course huffing and puffing even before they had step ONE (of the 1000, mind you) anywhere near sight! Logically this could have been because the kids had no sense of direction. The ‘keep walking’ nudge literally meant they kept walking, but in any direction they fancied (how can you blame them if a bee just buzzed around them and set them off like the erratic spring pollen on a windy day). With every one backing out I was left wondering about the twist in my master plan. The former me would have walked back too with a heavy heart but thanks to mid-life crisis stratosphere that I feel I am in, I decided to proceed by myself and just 5m in to my solo quest I realised how absolutely delighted I was with this twist. I am so born to be a loner that I cherished every step. My thoughts dictating my pace, my sweat rate guiding my water breaks. Faster the heart rate, slower my racing mind.  I saw all sorts of people on the way – young and old, fit and not-so-fit, individuals, couples, families and groups. Some first timers (like me) and some regulars. The higher I went, the cooler I felt. There wasn’t a clear look out point as such at the top where I stopped. It is more about looking inside is what I have always felt. There were other trails to explore from there on but I resisted them by reminding myself about my silly goof up at Ruffey Lake Park the previous day. Can anyone get lost in a local park? Yes, I can. Did I already mention mid-life crisis? 

 

Ok, sometimes, “Expect the Unexpected” mantra unexpectedly slips my mind. I expected going down would be easy. I should have just thought it would be ‘faster’ rather than ‘easier’. Because I was going down fast and needed to act fast to go slow! How to apply breaks to my own speed? (My mid-life crisis had me pretty confident that my life was lacking speed!)Was it in my mind or my legs to do so? I did not have much time to analyse this part of my master plan because it was happening too fast. I had a moment of despair when despite my speed I could not see the last step back down. Well, eventually I reached back to where I started, feeling dizzy with my accomplishment and secretly planning to come back again next time (slightly confident with my master plans by now), of course by myself. No company is good company, sometimes. Here are some pictures from the climb.